So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
