Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
