I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
