So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
