I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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