Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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