it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
