I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The power of my boobs compel you
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
