I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
