Got a toothbrush?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
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