My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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