everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
