The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
