the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
