5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize