I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
