I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize