Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
