The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
