Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
