Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize