last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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