his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
