I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
