I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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