I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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