So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm having to shit out rocks
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
