you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
