you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
