I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
