now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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