3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
