Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
