meet me or not, i'm out of control
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
