I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
