He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
