she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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