i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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