In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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