I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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