Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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