Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize