I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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