When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
