Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
