cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize