$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
