he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
