you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
