two words: eviction party
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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