My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
