My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
she woke up with a sticky ear
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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