It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
