Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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