I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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