In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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