My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
